Long ago, I started a blog that I maybe posted in 3 or 4 times. My former master had instructed me to start the blog, and to write in it for one hour a week. I had many plans for that blog, but it was simply not possible to write in it, except on rare occasion. Throughout that M/s relationship, I was pretty consistently given lists of things to do that weren’t humanly possible to complete. I have my suspicions about why she would do that, but regardless…it sucked badly. I so wanted to please, and I eventually came to the understanding that it simply wasn’t possible. So, in lieu of being able to please her, my goal became to do my very best, always, and not worry about the things I couldn’t get done. The problem was, it didn’t matter how many hours I went without sleep, how much I DID get done, how few things were left on my list, how hard I tried, how many of the “important things” I completed, how exhausted I was, how pleased I was with my abilities, or anything else…those things that were left on the list were all my former master ever cared about, and all I would hear about.
I hadn’t intended for this post to become an emotional dump, so let me get back on track here. One of the plans I had for my blog that I never had the opportunity to do was something I had heard of called submissive journal prompts. I was reminded of these yesterday while I was browsing my twitter feed and peeking at various different BDSM blogs. I remembered that this was something I’d wanted to do at some point, and thought hey, I can do that now.
A side note here: there were many good things my former master did for me. First of all, I LOVE my body, and I never have before. I don’t like the health issues that go along with being obese, but I love the way it looks, and I love that my body is pleasing to some – and that gives me the courage to really only give a shit about pleasing people who already enjoy body shapes such as mine. Other things my master did (or tried to do) for me were to instill in me a sense of importance about self care. I belonged to her, and if I were to serve her, I needed to take good care of myself. It didn’t end up working out this way due to the aforementioned Insanely Impossible List she constantly had for me, but I remember what she *said* at least. So, when she left me, I decided fairly early on (thanks in part to a friend of mine who helped talk me through the initial shock and grief) that I needed to be my own Master, until I find another. I need to have rules and schedules and expectations that a Master would have for me. I need to keep my submissive muscle in shape, in preparation for my next opportunity to serve.
Another side note: I was figuring this blog might not get a whole lotta love because I don’t have much going on right now. Or rather, I have too much going on right now…school, two jobs, visits with the little one, cooking, cleaning, laundry, life…and there’s not really tons of room in there for romance or developing a LTR (unless I’m able to find paramours who don’t need or want subs/slaves who will be at their feet constantly, but instead want part-timers, or at least in-person part-time…24/7 mental bondage is an option). So, I might not have much to post about as far as relationships. So, submissive journal prompts give me something else to write about, and a way to flex my submissive muscle without a dom.
Ok, without further ado, today’s journal prompt is:
Do you write New Year Resolutions? What might you place on the list this year? What things did you accomplish from last year’s list?
I do not write resolutions. I’ve always thought they were stupid. I’d break them anyway. This year, however, I completely changed my mind. Not only did I write them, I’m living them. My reasoning here was twofold: #1, I think it had to do with being my own Master, but this was before I had even been presented with the idea. It was just…an inkling of a thought, or more of a feeling, that I needed to have goals, trust myself, and treat my life as though I’m serving a worthy Master, even if I’m not. #2, I knew I could actually accomplish my dreams this year. These aren’t “maybe’s”, these are possible, almost necessary, and important for my well-being. All but one of them were pretty much given, from the moment my former master informed me of his* decision.
My resolutions are:
1. Learn to play “Wish You Were Here” on cello
This is the only one I haven’t started on yet. I’m pretty disappointed, too. I know I can do it, and I’m not sure what’s stopping me. I have my cello less than 3 feet away from me, there’s no excuse.
2. Increase my wardrobe
I spent the last five years, as have most people, in a perpetual state of fear over finances. The progression was consistently worse, not better. I have many of the same clothes I had at the beginning of those five years, full of holes, sewn together so many times they’re misshapen and ugly, and it seriously got to the point where every new job I got, I wondered if they were going to reprimand me for my awful clothing. This year, thanks to an amazing living situation provided by my best friend after my master left me, I have the ability to build my wardrobe. And I tell you what, I’m going to do it RIGHT. I know what I like, and what I need. I’m going to build my wardrobe slowly, supporting local artisans, buying clothing that fits my body, my style, and my life, and that are built to last. So far, I’ve bought one pair of shoes, doc martens, which should last me approximately forever. And I’ve put in an order for shoes and a shirt that I know I’ll love.
3. Go back to school
Done. Working on a BA in Human Services, specializing in gerontology, hoping to be a hospice social worker, or something similar. I’m doing it all online between my two jobs.
4. Stay involved in the BDSM scene as much as safely possible.
I’ve already found a local community that has munches once a month (it’s a very small town), and infrequent play parties. I’m also close enough to travel to a few larger areas that have more events, when I’m able to fit it in between school. And of course, I found one play partner that I’ve gotten together with once, and I’m hoping that will continue.
5. NO DRAMA!
I hate drama, always have. It’s just ridiculous and unnecessary. I hate that I lived with so much drama, and never put my foot down about it. On the one hand, I felt that if my master wanted to live a dramatic life, it was no business of mine to stop it or partake in it. On the other hand, it left me in a very bad position, because I think many people in the kink community saw the two of us together, and had no idea that I simply refused to partake in the drama. I just kept my mouth shut, because I didn’t know what else I *COULD* do. No more. That was seriously just stupid, and I’m disappointed in myself that I allowed someone to drag me through that mud.
The last part of the prompt will be short and sweet: I didn’t have resolutions last year, or any other year of my life until now. Thanks for reading!
*My former master is a trans man, but he came out as trans at the tail end of our relationship. So, for most of our relationship, my master was (as far as i was aware) female. The last few months, he was male. I will from time to time switch back and forth between pronouns, depending on time frame.